


My last name is yours.

by Myindepthmind



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Bellarke, F/M, bellamy and clarke - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-17
Updated: 2017-02-17
Packaged: 2018-09-25 05:43:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9805073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Myindepthmind/pseuds/Myindepthmind
Summary: Clarke had been given the inevitable burden to write down one hundred people on a list. A list to decide who lives and who will be killed by the radiation fast approaching.Who will have the doors closed on them to seal their fate.I can't do this without you.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This idea showed up on my Tumblr from call-me-velvet-thunder.tumblr.com. So thank you for the idea.  
> I absolutely loved writing this.  
> Thanks for reading, enjoy. - Brooklyn

Clarke had been given the inevitable burden to write down one hundred people on a list. A list to decide who lives and who will be killed by the radiation fast approaching.  
Who will have the doors closed on them to seal their fate.

 

Thelonious came to Clarke, Bellamy and Raven with the idea of a bunker that could save so many more lives. After the events that took place regarding Thelonious bringing Alie and the city of light with him, destroying everything in it’s path, Raven did not trust him. Clarke couldn’t blame her however she couldn’t pass up the idea of a place that could save more of their people so she took the chance disregarding the remarks that left Ravens mouth.They took a days time to travel to find the bunker listening to what appeared to be a dooms day conspiracy theorist, playing off the small electronic tablet. Thelonious was intrigued speaking of it to be truth while Clarke listened carefully and Bellamy made comments under his breath rolling his eyes at what he considered to be mildly ridiculous. When it came to the thought of dooms day people look for salvation and when a human being offers the idea of salvation, people gravitate to that no matter if it’s the truth or complete ludicrous. The bunker ended up being more than just compromised. There was nothing they could do to fix it, nothing they could do to make it inhabitable.

She now had to make the list.

Clarke sat in the small home her and Bellamy were given inside what was left of the Ark. She appreciated it in times like these. The privacy was a nice change after all they have been through. She was watching the people, her people, work with haste to fix the ship. Ravens pony tail swinging left and right ordering people around, her index finger flicking in sync with her ponytail. She admired Raven’s courage and strength. The burden of fixing this ship after all they knew was to come had to be exhausting. They all had duties and Clarke knew this. Of course she knew it. Her duty was to decide who lives and dies. Raven made a remark about her being good at it. Clarke tried to ignore it. After watching out the small window for a while she had glanced over at Bellamy who for once was sound asleep. The times he got to rest were few and far between. He was a dedicated man to his people, to her, and it took more than just a lot out of him. His peaceful slumber snagged a small half smile off Clarke's lips as she turned to finish the list. She wrote a few more names down. Clarke could not put her feelings in the way of the decision. She had to choose a hundred of her people to live, The people who deserved to live. Her memories of when Bellamy was enraged after Charlotte's death surfaced. The memories of him wanting to beat the life out of Murphy.  
“We don’t decide who lives and dies! not down here!”

Only a hundred.

If she put her feelings in the way, in no doubt in her mind did she think that the people she loved wouldn’t be at the top of the list.

They would be.  
He would be.

Bellamy Blake in her handwriting at the top of the list. #1. He doesn’t believe he deserves to live and he made that very clear earlier that day when Raven, Clarke and Bellamy were discussing rations. His past haunts him and you would miss it with how well he hides it in the depths of his eyes. Clarke and Bellamy made decisions together and a lot of what haunts him, haunts her too. Together. - She remembers pulling the lever, Bellamy’s strong hand gilding it down. They had differences that tore them in directions they wish they never went. They believed in different things and that tore them apart. Clarke would not let that take hold of her anymore. She would not leave him the way she did so long ago. Clarke's eyes watched his peaceful slumber. Clarke made a point to begin this list when she knew he was sleeping. She watched his eyes lightly moving under his eyelids, he must be having a dream. He too shares the nightmares she has. His chest rises and falls peacefully, he is almost silent. She smiled to herself thinking of back to when she first met him.

He was so far from silent.

Clarke believed she did not deserve all he does for her. She turned her back on him and here he was still by her side. Clarke believed she did not deserve to live after all she has done. Not only to Bellamy but to her people. The secret of this list was all the more bearing. Clarke did not deserve to be on this list. Memories of Bellamy danced around in her head. All he has done, good or bad, Clarke could not measure gratitude. He took on the delinquents as well as his duty to protect his sister almost the moment the drop ship landed. He was a great leader and she never wanted to see the light in his eyes fade. She turned back to the paper and let the pen press down writing “Bellamy Blake” as the 99th spot on her list. He deserved to live. He needed to live for her. She would never forgive herself if something happened to him.

Writing his name felt like coming home after a long day. Like the warm breeze tickling her very cheeks. If anyone deserved happiness it was him. That is why she did not hesitate to write it down. Only hesitating to what she knew was to come once he saw his name written on that very paper. The feelings she had for Bellamy were overwhelming causing tears to stream down her lightly flushed cheeks. He would get to live and that made her happy; however that did not change the weight of her burden. The very thought of her deciding who lives makes her skin crawl. She didn’t want this. Sobs now racked her body, shaking her to the core. This was too much but she bares it so they don’t have to. She will always bare it so her people do not have to. She did not want anyone's help with this. This list and her decisions will die with her.

Bellamy stirred in his sleep, he could hear faint sobs. He figured he may have been dreaming in his now half awake state. The ending of the dream just before his eyes open. However Bellamy was instinctive. He knew that these sobs did not belong to his nightmares, they belonged to the nightmare outside his mind, they belonged to the woman he loves, Clarke Griffin. His eyes fluttered open and trailed to find her sobs as they sat across the room from his once sleeping body. He guessed she had not seen him stir. Her hands were in her face and her fingers sat tangled in her golden locks. She was sobbing and he had no clue why. That was until his eyes trailed to the desk where a pen and paper sat. She wrote the list without him. - He should have known she would wait until he was absent to do so. It was in Clarke’s nature to take on this kind of burden alone. Bellamy’s mind trailed off to when she left him after mount weather with words of agony. What they did she wished to take on her shoulders alone. She would not let him carry it all as it was in his nature to shield her from the very walls crumbling around them. Bellamy rose from the couch taking a deep breath. Clarke mildly startled by his presence. With three small steps he was now at the edge of the table. His eyes looked to her and back to the paper only for him to see his name placed in the 99th spot on that list. Written to the perfection that is Clarke's penmanship. He did not want to be on this list but he knew what Clarke would say if he placed a line through it. She would protest as she did earlier while they were rationing. He remembers the look in her eyes, she would not let him die.

“If I’m on that list, you’re on that list.” he mumbled his eyes looking to hers. Her eyes were different from the usual determined Topaz. They were oceans of sadness and the blues were all colors of the sky. Tears kissed her flush cheeks. He remembers his fondest of memories with her, when she would blush at his remarks. Back to happier times. Back to unity day. The innocence of them when they had no clue of the destruction in their future paths. The haunting decisions they would make, shaping their lives forever. Her mouth opened to speak and he braced himself for the pinching in his heart he would feel hearing her broken voice. “Bellamy, I can’t!” she pleaded.  
No Clarke, I’m not doing this without you.  
“Write it down.” he protested firmly. Catching himself before he made himself sound angry with her. He continued. “Write it down, or I will.” There was no way he could live with himself if he let her die now after all they have been through. She had pleaded earlier that she would not let him die. She refused to let him die. His feelings mirrored her own. He refused to let her die. He could live with his terrible past, the faces of the people he killed, the things he had to do to survive. He could not live in a life without, Clarke. Bellamy leaned toward where the paper sat on the table and brought it closer to him by pulling it along the table. Her sobs rang in his ears. He began writing her name in capitals to express how much she deserved to be on that list. His eyes watched his fingers press into the paper writing her name down. He looked up at her in this process to find the reassurance he would find in her eyes once she saw him do this. He knew that him showing her she deserved to live might show her it too. He parallels her. They are one in the same, they made the same choices, why would he deserve to live and not her?. His eyes trailed down to the paper. He could not peel his eyes off his name on that spot on the page. It enraged him for reasons unknown. Maybe it was because of his firm beliefs. The ones in which the radiation destroys every fiber of his being. The one that irradiates him from the planet. The ones in which he does not deserve a place in this ship when the time comes.  
He loved Clarke, more than she would ever know.

Her name sat on the paper and Bellamy clicked the lid onto the pen sealing his decision. He made his way closer to Clarke's side. His eyes wandered to her and to the paper. “So what now” she said in a half whisper, her tears still very present. Her blue orbs wandered his face as she looked up at him. Bellamy was her reassurance, he was her rock, he knew this as it was all the same for him. He remembers Thelonious speaking of her being lucky to have him. His statement about it being backward is the most truthful thing of them all. He was her rock no doubtably so and he could see that in his memories and in the woman's face today. However, she kept him grounded. She was gravity keeping him grounded. He was much like a planet in her orbit, held tight refusing to leave her side. Refusing to live without her. He would die every day if he knew it would give her oxygen to breathe. His thoughts racing but he knew what to say to calm her thoughts about the list. “Now we put it away and hope we never have to use it.” he spoke calmly. His voice instilling hope to Clarke's ever hurting heart. “You still have hope?” she questioned. He knew that his words were settling to her. “We still breathing?” he said letting his cheek settle into the small smile he knew she loved on him. It made her lips move, she struggled to smile. Her sniffles tore at his insides as he watched her glance down at the paper. He instinctively wanted to comfort her. His hand from his side placing itself on her shoulder, his fingers calloused and rough with a small reassuring pressure, a half massage of comfort against her shoulder and clavicle. Her left hand rose to meet his. Her movements too familiar and too instinctive. Her soft hand on his own. She leaned her head downward to have her cheek pressed against both of their hands. The gesture leaving Bellamy’s eyes to soften looking at her. Seeing her like this hurt him. His eyes trailed over to the paper once again. He couldn’t use this moment to tell her how he felt. He knows that it would change things for them. He knows how she feels toward him. They do not have to speak to say it. He has known his feelings since the very beginning. He knows that he is undoutably in love with Clarke. Their eyes meet and he knows the mirror he see’s is her feelings too. He could not express his love for her, not in words, not now. His gestures speak to her, he knows she knows.

Him writing her name down, him refusing to live without her, is a declaration greater than love. Clarke knows her feelings for Bellamy are all the more apparent now. She knows that he knows. With the pending events in their future she does not have room to express her love. It would only complicate things further. She knows that writing his name down, they refuse to live without one another, is a declaration greater than love.

After his mind had wandered, him too seeing hers had trailed off the subject, he can only imagine what Clarke is feeling right now.”Get some sleep” he mumbled softly, applying that bit of pressure to his fingers before releasing and moving his hand off her shoulder. His eyes wandered her for a while as she nodded giving him the reassurance that he could leave while she rested. He needed to get a few things done for the remainder of that day. She would normally ask him to stay just so she could feel his presence but she knew that every day counted now. Bellamy walked to the door leaving the room.

Clarke sat for a while letting her body settle off the tears. Her eyes wandered to the paper to read over the list once more before putting it away. Her eyes sat on Bellamy’s name for a while, how many times she wrote it down before without him knowing. Her eyes trailed down to his penmanship. She knew he wrote it in capital letters to show her what he meant. To express that he needed her to know that she deserved to live with him. That she had to live for him. However when she used her finger to begin trailing over his penmanship it was not CLARKE GRIFFIN, that sat on the page before her. It read CLARKE BLAKE. She stirred in her seat for a moment her cheeks burned from the blushing so evidently placed upon them. Did he do that by accident? she asked herself laughing internally. She loved him so much and she knew now that truly, he loved her too.  
Maybe they didn’t have to use I love you. Maybe “together” was their I love you.  
Maybe it was like that old film she used to watch as a kid on the Ark.  
“If you jump, I jump.” - The Titanic was it?  
“If you’re on that list, I’m on that list.” His words rang in her ears.  
One day she would tell him she loves him.  
One day the ever growing love they have for one another will surface at full.  
But for now “together” sounds like the perfect I love you.

_  
Darling don’t try to save me.  
On that slip of paper.  
If your name wont sit next to mine.  
because we all know too well.  
The kind of man I would be.  
If you didn’t stay here with me.  
 ___


End file.
